Lifting the veil over her 'fairytale wedding', Meghan Markle said that being a member of the British royal family made her suicidal to the extent that she was scared to be left alone. The startling revelation was made during the Oprah with Meghan And Harry: A Primetime Special, aired on CBS on Sunday night.
Prior to its broadcast, Meghan's controversial interview with Oprah Winfrey was already being compared to the one in which Princess Diana spoke about Prince Charles extramarital affair with Camila Parker Bowles. In 1995, during an interview with BBC Diana said, "there were three of us in this marriage."
Palace Refused Meghan's Request for Medical Help As She Wasn't a Paid Employee
Speaking about the pressure of being a royal taking an emotional toll on her, Meghan said that she was having suicidal thoughts during her first pregnancy. "I just didn't see a solution. I would sit up at night, and I was just, like, I don't understand how all of this is being churned out," Meghan spoke about the savage attack launched against her by the British media.
"I realized that it was all happening just because I was breathing. I was really ashamed to say it at the time and ashamed to have to admit it to Harry, especially, because I know how much loss he's suffered. But I knew that if I didn't say it, that I would do it. I just didn't want to be alive anymore. And that was a very clear and real and frightening constant thought.," said an emotional Meghan.
The former Suits actress said that once she opened up to Harry, she was advised against approaching "the institution" to seek help.
"I said that I've never felt this way before, and I need to go somewhere. And I was told that I couldn't, that it wouldn't be good for the institution," Meghan said.
When she contacted the palace's HR department, they said: "My heart goes out to you, but there's nothing we can do to protect you because you're not a paid employee of the institution."
Harry also suggested that Meghan should skip the premiere of Cirque du Soleil's Totem show at Royal Albert Hall in London, when Meghan told him that she can't be left alone.
Harry Says He Also Went Into a 'Dark Place'
Meghan also revealed that post wedding the royal family took away her passport, keys and driving license making her feel that she could not get help on her own. Terming herself as a sort of prisoner in Kensington Palace, Meghan said, "I couldn't just call an Uber to the palace."
Harry, who joined the show in the second half, admitted that after Meghan revealed about her suicidal state of mind he too went into a dark place. "I had no idea what to do. I was terrified, I was not prepared for that, I went to a dark place as well. I wanted to be there for her, I was terrified," he said.
On being asked if he approached his family about seeking medical help for Meghan, the Duke of Sussex said he was "ashamed" of admitting it to his family.
"No, that was not a conversation that would be had. I guess I was ashamed of admitting it to them. I don't know whether they've had the same feelings or thoughts. It is a very trapping environment they are stuck in," he said.
The family have a mentality of, 'This is how it is, you can't change it, we've all been through it.' But what was different here was the race element. That triggered the conversations with my family and palace staff where I said: 'This is not going to end well,'" revealed Harry.