Korean boy band Super Junior's leader Leeteuk wrote a message for the late SHINee member Jonghyun and revealed he wanted to die because of severe depression.
"Everyone faces hardships and pain but those cannot be measurable and the emotions one feels in those situations will be the hardest to bear. I, too, experienced with severe depression and thought to myself at times that it might be better to die than live and breathe which made each day difficult," he wrote in an Instagram post.
He told Jonghyun "no one can say they knew you well and there probably isn't a person who can say they shared everything with you because you guys were close. One person's loneliness, anger, sadness...I think I'll have to think about it a lot for the time being on if you made the final choice because you had no road to express them and what is being said to the people left."
Jonghyun took his own life on December 18 due to severe depression that he failed to overcome. He left a suicide note in which he said he "was broken from the inside." He was buried on December 21 with SHINee members, family and friends present.
Leeteuk added, "My heart aches more as I feel that I couldn't pull harder on the hand that reached out for help. It was too heavy of a weight to say it was endurable because you were a celebrity and to give up one thing, you walked a long way for you to do this or that which hurts my heart even more. The day before I sent you off, the image of when you came into my dream to tell me I need to be happier while you smiled brightly at me is still fresh in my eyes."
Leeteuk suffered depression while serving in the army in 2014. His father and grandparents died in a murder-suicide case the same year.
"In the military, they probably thought I was just putting on a show and those perceptions made it even harder, this lasted for almost a year but I managed to pull through. Because I have been through this experience, it would have been a little better if there was an even the smallest way out," he said.
He added, "It might be because it's Christmas but I'm feeling the deepness of term Christmas miracle. I feel that it's important to live happier from now on. I hope everyone spends every and each day as a special day just like Christmas."